Well, Hi, I just want to start off by saying that this is not an entertaining blog, not a cooking blog, not a party blog… it’s technically not even a blog, although that is what is written in my dashboard and everywhere else around this page. This is actually an outlet… for me… because right now I’m going through my own version of hell. I need somewhere to put all my nostalgic thoughts and what ifs and also a place where others can learn from my mistakes and never feel like I do in this very moment although many do, in fact, feel what I feel right now.
Ugh.. today is day four since I said goodbye to the people that I love most in the world and I never stop thinking about them… I sometimes find myself staring at a dot or at a bench and just staying still, letting my mind wander to those mystical memories of me and them. I replay them in my mind over and over again and it’s like I’m letting go of the person I am now, momentarily stopping my life as if I had a stop button. I am no longer this Viki, I am Viki, two weeks ago or Viki, a month ago. I read sometimes, but that doesn’t help much. I just can’t seem to stop remembering the last day we spent together, me and my friends, the people that made me cry and taught me how to love.
I cry a lot more than I used to and I think that I am slowly surrendering my body to some kind of unknown emotion, threatening to engulf me whole and I don’t know how to stop it. Even now, I feel this sort of blur in everything I say, do, and write. I sometimes find myself wondering why I love people so much when I have to say goodbye to them soon after… I mean, why care, when it hurts so much? I used to ask myself that question over and over again and I’d always have an answer, that life is beautiful and varied and it gives you sweet and sour parts and that the sweet are worth the struggle of the sour, but when I think of it now, I just cry harder… The pictures don’t help either… all these pictures everywhere on my camera of us… they just make me want to jump off a building and get it over with… ugh…the thing I hate the most about love is that I just can’t stop falling and sometimes I’m scared there won’t be anyone there to catch me.
Well, that was my afternoon… ha, I sound like a depressed weasel 😦
Bye for now, Viki