The Afternoon

Well, Hi, I just want to start off by saying that this is not an entertaining blog, not a cooking blog, not a party blog… it’s technically not even a blog, although that is what is written in my dashboard and everywhere else around this page. This is actually an outlet… for me… because right now I’m going through my own version of hell. I need somewhere to put all my nostalgic thoughts and what ifs and also a place where others can learn from my mistakes and never feel like I do in this very moment although many do, in fact, feel what I feel right now.

Ugh.. today is day four since I said goodbye to the people that I love most in the world and I never stop thinking about them… I sometimes find myself staring at a dot or at a bench and just staying still, letting my mind wander to those mystical memories of me and them. I replay them in my mind over and over again and it’s like I’m letting go of the person I am now, momentarily stopping my life as if I had a stop button. I am no longer this Viki, I am Viki, two weeks ago or Viki, a month ago. I read sometimes, but that doesn’t help much. I just can’t seem to stop remembering the last day we spent together, me and my friends, the people that made me cry and taught me how to love.

I cry a lot more than I used to and I think that I am slowly surrendering my body to some kind of unknown emotion, threatening to engulf me whole and I don’t know how to stop it. Even now, I feel this sort of blur in everything I say, do, and write. I sometimes find myself wondering why I love people so much when I have to say goodbye to them soon after… I mean, why care, when it hurts so much? I used to ask myself that question over and over again and I’d always have an answer, that life is beautiful and varied and it gives you sweet and sour parts and that the sweet are worth the struggle of the sour, but when I think of it now, I just cry harder… The pictures don’t help either… all these pictures everywhere on my camera of us… they just make me want to jump off a building and get it over with… ugh…the thing I hate the most about love is that I just can’t stop falling and sometimes I’m scared there won’t be anyone there to catch me.

Well, that was my afternoon… ha, I sound like a depressed weasel 😦

Bye for now, Viki

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2 thoughts on “The Afternoon

  1. Hi beautiful. This is going to be a cheesy-phrase overload but it doesn’t matter really 🙂 I just wanted to post to tell you that you aren’t alone in this, and that whatever it is you’re going through, it is nothing that is too big to pass over. I can’t imagine how hard things are for you, and maybe with time you’ll come to share your story, or not. Regardless of that though, I just hope that you find the strength to get through it but also that you remind yourself that you don’t have to be strong all the time, and that there are people out there who can be strong for you and carry you just for a little while. For some reason I really resonated with your story, because I know that there will come a point in my life where I’ll also have to leave all the people I love and follow my own path, wherever that may lead. Our circumstances might be different, but I still admire you and I am wishing you all the best with everything. I look forward to following your journey, keep writing and let your true self shine 🙂

    • Oh, my god, thank you so much for your kind words… You don’t know how much this means to me. It feels good to finally talk to someone about this pain inside. I’m not suicidal or anything, but, um, I don’t feel very good. I will share my story with you because you are such a nice person… I am so glad that people like you exist.

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