What Do You Think: VERY Short Story

Please, take a moment to read this and comment below. It would mean the world to me and don’t be afraid to criticize because that will undoubtedly benefit the text. I plan on submitting this to a magazine, so please rate it on 10.

A playground. A school. Chaos.

There was once a humongous school towering over the small, queer, abandoned houses surrounding it. Positioned in a corner, looking desolate and morose, it was quit a defunct and old school in which little regularity had been present, but this did not result from the carelessness of those who had run it, but rather from the simple concept of human nature:  that over time the careful, calculated order in which things were set would dissipate and chaos would materialize, reigning over every soul. If anyone ever so happened to find themselves amongst the circumstances in this abominable zoo, they might never return. Thus they would give in to the madness that so long ago ruined the souls that had inhabited this school…

Dried up paint adorning the walls, broken scissors littering the floor, tiny paper clips nestled in unlikely places… Mountains and mountains of chalk piling up to the very rooftops… this was the scene set and not a soul was present, leaving the corridors heavy with unsaid words, broken hearts, bursts of laughter, surprised joy, sharp cries of pain… All around could be heard these echoes from past lives, long ago left behind, the only thing left in the wake of the young children who had once ran and played in these hallways, pretending to be birds, soaring high in the sky…

Outside, a shaded mist carefully seeps amongst the dark, shadows of burst squeaky toys, spurting slow high squeaks every so often. In this playground, hard rain pours over every damaged toy train and truck, over every smashed lunchbox, over every stained Barbie doll. Out there, the sounds are louder, those of broken dreams and horrified shrieks, those of warm laughter and optimistic hopes. All these voices are muddled by their own intensity, shouting uncontrollably like a siren, many sirens all wound up in the same sound, but they still stay confined in that little space, limited by the root-infested walls that contour the playground.

In the midst of this appalling scene, carefully seated with care on the swing set, as delicate as a porcelain doll, lies a little girl, all clad in white, a yellow umbrella at her side. She swings ever so lightly, humming a melodic tune ever so beautifully, filling the noisy playground with a holy grail, shining through the veiled mist. She is the last one, completely unfazed by the destruction around her. From her, life will undoubtedly rise again… love will be reborn, and so will hate, jealousy and hope. Through her, mistakes will be made and precious things lost. Opportunities will be thrown away and countless moments will float up in the sky, forever remembered. And so, even when we are at our worst, she will be there to guide us and when we have been long gone, she will be the thread that weaves us back to life.

Two sweetly-voiced birds find themselves attracted to the swing set, wanting to glimpse that very angel that is releasing the holy sound that floats to their delicate ear buds. They cross the bordering walls decorated with zigzagging plant-like greenery, thus breaking the bond that separates this sad school from the rest of the world and carefully nestle themselves in each other on the swing next to her and together, they join in the song in perfect unison, a gentle hum in the chaos around them.

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3 thoughts on “What Do You Think: VERY Short Story

  1. Okay, I’m not too good at giving the advice thing because I love reading anything from anyone so just sort of say what I’ve learnt myself from my own experiences. I think this is the start of something really good 🙂 I would say that one thing I learnt a lot since I started writing fiction work in particular is that less is most definitely more sometimes. Sometimes cutting down on too many long, descriptive words and instead using a few, well-thought out ones can have a very powerful effect. In the same way using one image and allowing it to run through the story, like you have done with the image of the birds both metaphorically and literally, can have a strong effect too. Just have a look at the grammar and punctuation a bit and read the story out loud to your self, that always helps too 🙂 But I love how you paint the picture of sadness, and show how abandoned and ruined this school is through the use of physical objects and their descriptions. It makes me want to know exactly what happened, but it also makes me want to know how this one source of hope will be able to rescue us, and whether we can be rescued at all. A really beautiful idea, thank you for sharing it! 🙂 Lots of luck with the magazine!

    • Thank you so much. It means a lot to me and the stuff that you mentioned have really helped. I’m so happy that you liked it (or are at least are not appalled, I guess that’s a good sign, wink, wink).
      With thanks and always admiration,
      Viki

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