Jealousy and the Fear Behind It

Recently, I have been struggling to try and find my place in this big, big world. I’ve struggling with my future and with my present and I’ve realized that we are so reluctant. In general, human beings hold back and don’t say what they really want to. And I started thinking about how beautiful the world would be if everyone yelled the first thing on their minds. I guess it would be kind of chaotic as well but wouldn’t it be worth it? To tell that person that you love them or that other person that they have changed beyond recognition. It sounds simple right, a basic kindergarten lesson: be kind to the people around you and tell them what you are feeling. And yet we have still not grasped this concept.

And I myself have some work to do on that front. How many times have I opened my mouth wide to contest this or that thing only to close it back again? Well, I have done that a lot and I am not proud of it. And sometimes we do things that we are not proud of; things that we regret. But that’s ok; we are only human. How many of you have had rash thoughts, that are completely absurd? Well, often these are  mirrors to how we feel and we just need to get them out; sometimes the best remedy is to leak your dam on everyone because otherwise it might explode and rain over the world.

I myself sometimes feel so full of emotions that I just want to burst but then I realize that the best way to resolve what I am feeling is to talk about it with someone and that’s what I am trying to do; share myself with the people around me. But, other times I dry up and clam up. Why? Because I’m afraid. Afraid of making a fool of myself, of being too weak or of even just breaking down. The fear that fills me prevents me from living a happy life. And this is the case for many of us, right: the fear that consumes us is tearing us apart. Well, fear is all in the mind. A concept that twists your tummy up in knots but that in fact doesn’t exist. We are fear; we create it and we let it prevent us from doing what we want to do in life; what choices we will make.

And often fear gets confused with courage. Funny, huh? We tell ourselves by never opening up to others we are protecting ourselves from the danger that the sea contains; the slivering, tentacle monsters. But that is a lie. An excuse. We are simply afraid of the monsters and what will happen when we overcome them. It’s crazy but we are afraid of feeling happy because we constantly try to predict when the next monster will come and when our happiness will come to an end. We are so obsessed with the future that we can’t sit down and just be happy; tell the people we love the way we feel about them, leaving ourselves completely vulnerable. And that’s the thing about life; to live you have to be rendered completely vulnerable so that after the monsters have done what torture they can you will be carried into the depths of the sea and dance to your heart’s content.

Well I will stop hear because I feel like I said what I had to say. It’s ok to feel afraid; it’s human and we are all human but we need to recognize this fear as our own creation.

-Viki

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